How does all this affect my life?

I figured I would just get this rant out of the way, because I hate reliving the reality of this life in my head more often than I have to.

I miss my husband everyday.  No matter how many phone calls we share.  No matter how wonderful the Saturday visits are.  No matter how sure I am that this is right where I am supposed to be, and this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing, I miss him.

O, I have bought the mansion of a love, but not possess'd it, and, though I am sold, not yet enjoy'd: So tedious is this day as is the night before some festival to an impatient child that hath new robes and may not wear them...Juliet Capulet

I fiigured nothing could capture the desperation of my longing better than a quote from Shakespeare.  I have married a man, and no matter how long that fact is a fact, he is still only an idea to me.  We have never shared real life together.  We share friends.  We share family.  We share a boy named Luke, who he never sees, and to whom I play the second-hand replacement of a stepmother.  We share a few hours every weekend.  And we share many hopes of a life that we so desperately want to share with each other.

Everyday, those dreams get pushed further and further back by all the people who tell us that there is nothing we can do.  They are the people who ignore him, kick him while he is down, and remind him of the awful label he will always carry for the rest of his days in this life by denying him his simple human rights everyday in that place.  And then there are the people who tell me that it is a lost cause and it's not too late to divorce him and get a life for myself before it is too late.  They tell me it is not my fight, and that he made his bed, so he has to lay in it.  Then there are the lawyers who do their job, but care nothing about the people they represent.  They do what they have to do, and nothing else.  And the lawyers who actually do care about those they represent want forty thousand dollars for a good trial.  It's about the money.  Not the justice.  And then there are the parents of the children they believe they are protecting by denying other human beings the rights we are all born with in this country, simply because they can.  I agree with them for the most part, but they have no idea how the laws they support are being used and abused to treat these men like monsters.

We can't tell the future.  We can't predict the fate of anyone, anytime.  There has to be some trust that our higher power has a plan that no manner of human law can override.  We are not fortune tellers.  No one can stop bad things from happening.  But, in the name of a civil society, we deny these men a second chance at a life simply because we can't control the chaos of life, but we can keep them locked up.

I want my husband home.  I want to share my life with my best friend.  I want the intimacy that is my right in my marriage, and I desperately want to be a mother.  I am 34, and my time is running short.  At this point, I would settle for a cabin in the woods where no one can find us, and we can live our life as we see fit. 

I have never been convicted of a crime.  I have lived a fairly boring life, waiting for the love I found with this man.  And now I am still alone, waiting for a bunch of people who are not cheering for us to decide our fate.  Who cares about us?  Who wants to help us?  I tell people about this life I have stumbled into, and they listen, shake their head, and continue to take their life for granted.  They get to go home to their lives and families everyday!  I can't.  I go home to a crap apartment with my kitties, my cable, and my head full of so many things that no one can or will understand.

My heart is full, but it is broken.  My head is full, and I fear it is breaking.  I have some little pills from my doctor that are supposed to patch it up, but they don't seem to fix what is broken.  They just make things numb for a little while, and then all that emotion just comes spilling out anyways.  This is the point I have come to.  I am so full of all this stuff, and I have no one to spill it to, save my husband, and my father.  My friends care, but have no idea what to do, and the rest of my family always say the same thing:

Save yourself.  He is lost.  You still have a chance.  Find someone without all the baggage.  Find God.  Go to college.  It is better to be alone than suffering with someone when you didn't do anything to deserve it.   

I have been alone all my life!  And I won't go back to that crutch again.  The only thing it leads to is more loneliness.  I have a love.  I have a purpose.  I have something worth fighting for.  And I need help and support that no one can give. 

So here I am.  And I have to get up tomorrow...and do it all over again.